She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
