It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
