hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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