She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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