If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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