How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
