And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize