she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
