so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
