I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
