i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
