Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
