He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
