Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
