Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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