I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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