So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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