I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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