if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize