I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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