I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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