Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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