I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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