am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
