i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
