if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
