Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
