my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
