my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
