He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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