i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
