For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
