My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
