i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
