my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
