I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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