Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
