"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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