did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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