now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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