I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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