Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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