and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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