im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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