There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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