I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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