Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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