Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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