She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I woke up under a house in Key West
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
