Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
