either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
