He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
