im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
