also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
