What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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