Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize