I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize