Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
wow bdsm is so cute
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