Apparently you make a good broom.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
