We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize