good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
