Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
