Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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